laceypanties:

and she told me I should be in the mountains, out west. Who wants to go with me?

There is nothing for me here. I’m not even fucking meant to be here.

I want to edit this to make it clear that I am not upset about this at all. This is something I’ve known deep down for a few years now. I know that my friends don’t particularly NEED me in their life, you know? I do suffer from loneliness. Sometimes, oftentimes, I find myself muttering ‘I want to go home’ while I’m technically at home. I don’t think I AM home anymore.  I’m pretty sure I know when this place stopped feeling like home, but I’m not interested in giving other people credit for things they don’t give a fuck about anymore. Also, I’m tired of talking about it. It’s over. It’s in the past. What I want now is my future. There are some really good things going for me right now, and I know that there are a couple of people who do care about me (beyond the scope of the things I can do for them, if that makes sense). Well, I hope, at least. Basically, I need to stop living to gain the praise and approval of others and live to gain the praise and approval of myself. Thank you for your time.

(disclaimer: I am sorry that this is a downer post for the most part. I have been trying extremely hard to keep everything in, but when that happens, I start spouting crazy. Not to mention most people don’t even read this anyway.)

• My room constantly smelling like fucking weed. (yes, I have candles burning but omg)
• Not feeling welcome in any part of my house except my bedroom. This is where I am. All the time.
• Like, fucking garbage all over my fucking house. How hard is it to clean up after yourselves?
• My lack of motivation to change my clothes.
• The awful abandonment I feel from my former internet friends.
• The abandonment I feel from most of my friends.
• The fact that I always go to visit my friends, but they never come to see me.
• The fact that I have to save to buy another car.
• These telemarketers who constantly harass me.
• Not having feelings for anyone, ever.
• My ipod feeling so empty.
• Not having a notebook to write in.
• Every time I attempt to open up to someone and share whats bothering me, they talk endlessly about their problems.
• The disgust I feel with myself.
• The lack of reading I’ve been doing lately.
• My lack of motivation to do some post-holiday cleanup in my room.
• Things about my job I can’t share on the internet. *Big brother is watching*
• Still not having contacts or new glasses.
• The intense pain I feel in my shoulders and neck every day.

My best friend from high school was living 1000+ miles away and was getting kicked out of her apartment. I let her come home and live with me, in my bedroom, rent free. It was always on the promise that she was only going to be there for a couple of weeks, and then it was long enough for her to find a job and get her own place. She didn’t have a car, or a license (her parents were super strict and never let her get it). I taught her to drive, and took her to interviews. I even let her use my old car (i just bought a new one) even though she still didn’t have her license. After a few months, my other roommates were beginning to get pissed. Well, not just pissed, violent towards us. So, we left and moved into my mom’s house, and stayed in her living room. I was still driving her around and taking her to find a job while going to school full time and working full time (hell my mom was even helping her), and we were going to get an apartment together. This whole time I kept hearing from her that when she turned 21 she was going to be getting an inheritance and she was going to pay me back for everything i lent her. After so long, about 6 months, I had a bad feeling and called her parents for advice. They told me that she had a problem with pathological lying, and that she was kicked out of her last place for lying to her old roommates with the same stories and never paying bills, and that she really didn’t have an inheritance and that she can’t keep a job. She pleaded with me to not move in with her, because she didn’t want to see me screwed over like her other friends. I always knew she had a problem with exaggerating the truth but I had no idea that most of the things that the core of our friendship was based on were complete fabrications. (after re reading this i realize that it might sound like the money is what i was referring to. it wasn’t. we first became friends when i was 15, and it was over bonding over sharing personal stories i found out she mostly made up) I returned to my mom’s house and called her out on all of the bullshit, and told her that I didn’t have the patience or the will to take care of her anymore. We agreed that she needed a change in her life, and we enlisted her in the armed forces. She didn’t last very long for reasons I’m still unsure of (its hard to tell the truth from the lies with her). Not a day after she came home, she ditched me, started hanging out with a lot of my friends, and started telling lies about me to all of the people I used to be very close with. She ruined a lot of my friendships, and started doing a lot of drugs. She later moved to a different city and refuses to talk to me. She will always claim that I abandoned her, but that wasn’t the truth. I was just doing what I thought was best for her and for me. I love that girl like a sister, and I always will (we always said we were soul mates). I miss her a lot and I don’t think I’ve been that close to a person since.

I’ve never been the one to concern myself with being in romantic relationships. I don’t spend my days dwelling upon meeting prince charming and riding off into the sunset (unless you are 12 year old me). It’s always when I’m laying in bed, attempting to fall asleep sometime before the sun rises, I imagine what it would be like to share a bed with someone again. Not sexually (well… sometimes sexually), but you know being held, holding hands, pillow talk. I’ll admit something that I don’t often, I miss it. For as much as I enjoy my alone time, I crave the time I can share companionship with another person. Just someone to bond with, share my thoughts with. Someone I can be myself with, good and bad (I get moody, lullz).

It’s only when the hour is approaching 4, and sleep isn’t coming to me, that I lie in bed and wonder why I’m so bothered. I just need a hug, sometimes, and someone to talk to.

I’m a daydreamer, constantly pondering hypotheticals. Playing out my scenarios. Living in parallel worlds. A lot of the time when I’m having a bad day, I just imagine someone I know coming in and just hugging me.

And then I go home and write about it on tumblr.